Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A bit of rambling ;)

It's the last day of May... gosh, that's hard to believe. It seems like just yesterday that we were ringing in the New Year and getting 2005 off to a good start. Time really flies, doesnt it?

I've taken a bit of time off here lately to do some thinking - as well as some analyzing & planning. Just a few days, no big deal, and most of it spent potting plants or taking a quick day trip here and there. And of course doing some reading (nothing juicy, mostly "geek stuff"), and analyzing my goals for the remainder of the year...

I like where I am, and I like where I'm going. That's a pretty big statement, I think. I can certainly remember a time when I didnt feel that way at all, and felt like I was struggling against the current to point myself in the right direction (or even get my feet planted!). That does seem like a long time ago now, though... and has become more of a distant memory. I dont know if it's the difference in early 20's and early 30's... or just years of "moving forward"that has made me feel more comfortable and confident.

Regardless, I'm very content. That reminds me though, of a friend that I had about ten years ago. She was going to school to become a psychologist and she always used to tell me "You are exactly where you want to be right now in your life". I would argue that I was NOT. She would "argue" (much less heated and somewhat amused) that I certainly WAS - and that I had made every choice along the way intentionally to get to that point.

Now that made me mad. Not at her, of course - but at myself. It's one thing to blame your environment, your situation or your relationships... but to have to accept that YOU are to blame for everything that has gone wrong in your life is hard to swallow!

As much as I disliked those conversations, I cant deny that they had an impact on me for years to come. I'm not going to say that I totally agree with her statement, or that I dont... but it made me MAD every time I thought about it.

Getting mad is one of those intense emotions - kind of like falling in love or that high level of fear that gets your adrenaline flowing. I think these intense types of emotions are pretty healthy, and are obviously very action-oriented. Focused in the right direction, they can be very productive!

I remind myself of that whenever I feel complacent (or too comfortable). I ask myself, "What do WANT?" or "How do you REALLY feel?". Sometimes I'll grab my long-term goals and go over them - the whole 'dangling carrot' act.

You have to get yourself riled up, you know. You dont have a boss to offer you bonuses or raises - you make your own rewards! Want more money? Go get it! Cant reach it? Get MAD! Need a vacation? Take one!

It's all about TAKING control (yes, it's there for the taking!) and getting your juices flowing again. Dont settle for one thing when you really want the other ;)

Anyway - let me stop rambling and get back to the point... What she said to me really made me THINK. I knew that I was NOT exactly where I wanted to be, and I knew that I had not put myself there intentionally. But I also began to realize that I COULD begin making deliberate choices... and point myself in the direction that I did want to go.

That was back in my early 20's - about ten years ago. I was working for hourly wages, raising young children and battling the 'too few hours in a day' syndrome. I took some big risks to break out of that... and somehow pulled it off. There was a sort of adrenaline behind it all - a strong emotion. The desire to succeed and to prove myself, I suppose.

Emotions are good. It would serve us all well to sit back and take stock of what our driving force is. What makes us tick? What gets us riled up, and what crazy thing is it (for you!) that makes us do things "against all odds"?

For me, in the beginning, it was personal. But somewhere along the way I caught a vision for something more. It was a turning point, I guess I'd call it - as I had won that crazy battle with myself and started thinking past that - much bigger and much broader. I'm well on my way. I'm "exactly where I want to be in my life right now" ... and I like where I am, and where I am going :)