Monday Musings

It's no secret that I love Monday's, and this one is no different...

I woke just before daylight, my mind still filled with dreams, and watched the tree limbs barely moving against the dark sky outside the bedroom window. As I lay there, realizing that it was Monday Morning, the anticipation of the day before me brought me to my full senses.

I couldnt stand it anymore, and grabbed my housecoat to make my rounds through the house. There are certain things I like to do first thing in the morning, such as check on Grandma and the children, peek outside to guess the weather for the day, a bit of quick straightening up from the night before... and then I generally sit down to see how business was while I was sleeping.

It's these quiet moments, before anyone else stirs, that I cherish. This is when I can truly connect with my inner thoughts - and my dreams... this is when I "think big". Before I am a mother or a caretaker, before I am a housekeeper or an errand runner or even a business owner, before I am anything else... I am ME.

Sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. Sometimes its hard to identify yourself, or find the time to make that connection. Sometimes life just gets busy... and you find yourself managing the details, instead of creating them.

As I was going through my things this morning, aligning my tasks for the day and sipping my coffee, I came across this quote:

Do not confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving, but does not make any progress. -Alfred A. Montapert-

It is important to live life with a deliberate purpose. To stop accepting fate, and to start plotting your own course. Every day is a new day, and every single minute is important. Nothing is set in stone, and nothing has to be accepted as truth. If not in actuality - certainly in perception.

Choose a spot, and jump in - you can start anywhere! It's never too late, or too early... or too anything. We can have anything we want out of this life, so long as we choose it and then work towards it. It's really that simple. And there really are no forces working against us, but our own.

I think back over time, choosing various memories from my past as examples, and realize how much life has changed in the last year. In the last 5 years. In the last 10 years. Change is inevitable. Change is consistent. And change can be very, very good.

Last month would have been my 10th wedding anniversary... and I think back to who I was when I was married, and what my dreams were for our future. I had big goals, and I made big plans to go along with them. I worked hard, and I accomplished everything I set out to do - and I knew exactly where I expected to end up.

When I was faced with an unexpected divorce, I was also faced with the loss of those dreams. I looked forward and saw nothing but vast emptiness. A slate wiped clean. The dreams were gone. I felt that emptiness inside of me for almost two years. I continued to work, to raise my children, to manage my home and to make decisions that needed to be made.

I was like that rocking horse. Still in motion, but never making any real progress. At some certain undefined point in the midst of all of that, I had an epiphany. I came to the realization that the thing that was missing in my life were those dreams, and those goals. I came to terms with the fact that my husband and I would never grow old and sit in rocking chairs on the front porch of that dream home I had envisioned so clearly in my mind for all those years. I finally grieved the loss of it all, once I realized what it was I had truly lost - my vision for the future.

'Starting over' then had new meaning for me. It didnt mean finding a new mate, or making home in a new place or any of those things. It meant dreaming new dreams, and choosing new goals. I can remember sitting there in deep thought, realizing I didnt even know who I was, or what I liked. Did I eat this because I liked it, or because someone else always liked it? Did I go here because I liked being here, or because it was a familiar place? Did I wear my hair this way because it suited me, or because someone told me it looked nice? I felt lost... but on the edge of something big at the same time.

From there, I began to define myself... and I began to dream again. I created a whole new life for myself, and found a happiness I didnt even know existed. And since then I have come to know you, and you have come to know me (the *real* me)... and I am glad for that. Yes, change is good - progress is invigorating - and Monday's are for realizing that everything (and everyone) has the opportunity for a new beginning.